Friday, July 31, 2009
It's grandiloquence. I love it. Absolutely love it. It means "speech or writing marked by pompous or bombastic diction"--ie, like unnecessarily quoting Shakespeare when you work in the stock market. I'm going to try to use it often...it's perfect for making wild, accusatory statements, such as "That guy was going to buy that Fusion until you had to use your grandiloquence and fucking quote Sophocles, you retard."
But I digress. It is a beautiful, sunny day in Cleveland, and where am I? I am stuck at work. Hurrah. But I shan't let work bring me down. Nay. I can see the sky from my window, and I guess I can live with that, so long as it doesn't rain any time soon.
At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I'm hungry, but I was running late for work this morning and in my rush I grabbed a cup of Jell-O and a packet of oatmeal. Not exactly sustainable. And I also left my money at home. Fabulous. I get the award for Most Brilliant Morning Decision. I ate the oatmeal at 9 am, no problem. I figured the fiber would hold me over for a few hours, hopefully. Yeah, okay. Those fitness magazines are full of shit. It's been a mere three hours, and I am starving. Well, not starving, but pretty damn hungry. I could go for some pizza or high carb-ed up pasta covered in a creamy, fatty, yummy cheese sauce. Maybe an Alfredo of some sort. Yummmmm. Delish.
I'm currently sipping on a bottle of water, trying to put off eating my Jell-O as long as I can. It'd be one thing if I did this you know, like once in a while, but nooo...I do this all the time. As we all know, I'm not exactly a morning person, and it takes me a while to get motivated. I usually jump in the shower and have just enough time to get out the door and get to work on time (-ish). Which would raise the question as to why I don't get all this stuff ready the night before. Good question. Very good question. I don't exactly have an answer for that.
(A bit later...)
Hmm...I ate my Jell-O. I couldn't help it! I'm sure the people at Lakewood think I'm anorexic or something, which is actually pretty unlikely seeing as I'm a size 8, but whatever. It doesn't look good when you eat oatmeal and peanut butter and crackers and Jell-O all the time. It makes me feel like a starving European supermodel, only shorter and not as skinny. If this is all they eat, then I get why Naomi Campbell is such a monster bitch.
Well, I won't bore you with any more grandiloquence (love that word!), so...I'll leave you with a parting final thought:
"this is the garden:colours come and go, frail azures fluttering from night's outer wing strong silent greens silently lingering, absolute lights like baths of golden snow. This is the garden:pursed lips do blow upon cool flutes within wide glooms,and sing (of harps celestial to the quivering string) invisible faces hauntingly and slow.
This is the garden. Time shall surely reap and on Death's blade lie many a flower curled, in other lands where other songs be sung; yet stand They here enraptured,as among the slow deep trees perpetual of sleep some silver-fingered fountain steals the world."
--this is the garden:colours come and go, ee cummings
(taken from"Tulips and Chimneys", 1923)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
(Taken from http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com)
Okay, now that we got Chuck out of the way, let's get on to other serious topics at hand for today.
I am bored. And tired. My contacts are dry, and I can't think of anything funny to write about.
Here's some random facts:
*The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
*Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
*Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
*On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
*If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
*Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Now go and share this completely useless information with the world. XO
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Lashawn's Life Lessons:
*Wearing white pants is usually a love/hate situation. I have found that while I love white pants and how cool and summery they look, they are well, duh, white, and entail practicing a great deal of caution when one is wearing them. I usually just drink water all day and eat after I change out of them.
*When a guy in a minivan honks at you, don't take it as a compliment. Odds are that while he is a father, he probably has a plurality of children. Don't go there. One is okay, two is a maybe, but more than that...he needs a nanny, not a booty call.
*When you get into a "friends with benefits" kind of situation, one of you is not going to want to remain "just friends". Trust me. Sex has a tendency to blur the lines between love and friends. It usually ends badly.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
"Boston", Augustana, (All The Stars And Boulevards)
"Mouthwash", Kate Nash, (Made Of Bricks)
"Lazy Sunday", The Lonely Island, (Incredibad)
"Don't Let Me Fall", Lenka, (Lenka)
"Baby I'm a Fool", Melody Gardot, (My One and Only Thrill)
"A Beautiful Mess", Jason Mraz, (We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.)
"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing", Jack Johnson, (In Between Dreams)
"Just a Ride", Jem, (Finally Woken)
"Extraordinary Machine", Fiona Apple, (Extraordinary Machine)
"Sympathique", Pink Martini, (Sympathique)
"Shine", Anna Nalick, (Shine-EP)
"Hello/Goodbye", Erin McCarley, (Love, Save The Empty)
"Stop This Train", John Mayer, (Continuum)
"Creep", Radiohead, (Pablo Honey)
"Everybody's Changing", Keane, (Hopes and Fears)
"Comfort Eagle", CAKE, (Comfort Eagle)
"She's Got a Way", Billy Joel, (Greatest Hits, Vol. 1)
"Under Control", Parachute, (Losing Sleep)
Enjoy your Sunday, and maybe give some of these artists a quick listen! XO
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Nostalgia. It's a funny thing.
I found a bottle of body spray (Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea) in a pile of junk in my room. One whiff of it brought back sooo many memories.
I was suddenly back in the math hall bathroom at St. Joe's, doing my makeup before we all went to the mall during our study hall. My friends and I loved the smell of sweet peas, and I think most of us wore that fragrance a good chunk of those four years.
Thinking of that made me flip through the mental catalog of memories from back then--some of them are a bit faded, but others are still as vivid as when it first happened. I remember dancing to Li'l Jon in Mrs. Knittel's room before Theology class started ("From the windoooows to the wall!"), breaking the crucifix (behind the scenes) in the freshman Theology classroom and putting Jesus back together with Sticky-Tac (I'm sure I'm going to hell for that one), sagging our skirts because at first we thought it looked cool and then out of necessity because we had four years worth of 3 for a $1 gigantic chocolate chip cookies at lunch...Standing in the echo circle after school and yelling dirty words and cracking up hysterically.
I actually got a little sad, because I only talk to a few girls from St. Joe's now...I know it's been five years since we graduated, and people grow apart, but...Those were some of the greatest times in my life (how can you top that choir trip to Disney World junior year or getting drunk on that nasty plum brandy with Leah and watching American Pie over and over til we almost peed our pants from laughing?), and once you enter the more "structured" adult world, things change. People grow up, go to college, get jobs. Some of us get married, some of us have kids, and then there are others who do some of these things and just tumble endlessly through life, not really having a fixed point in the world. It takes those people a while to figure out their purpose in life.
I think the hardest part of growing up is realizing that the image of adulthood you had as a child isn't always going to be what you actually achieve. I'm trying to reconcile the dream with the reality myself, but it's hard to shake off the bright-eyed idealism you had as a teenager. It's all too easy to become jaded and say that you were dealt a bad hand--I could easily say that myself, seeing as how I got pregnant right out of high school, goofed off so that I had to go to summer school and not graduate with the rest of my class (I got my diploma from the school secretary. That is classy.)...Got dumped by Nicky's dad seven months into being pregnant, had Nicky at 19, floated in and out of college several times without any real concrete idea as to what I wanted to be...Got back with Nicky's dad, got dumped again when Nicky was 10 months old, had to work 40 hours or more a week at Burger King to try to cover everything because his dad didn't pay his child support.
But it wouldn't be rational for me to sit there and give up. That's not who I am, that's not how I was raised. My parents could have thrown me out at 18, but they told me they'd like me to live at home until I finish my undergrad degree. I quit Burger King, got a much better job at the dealership doing something I enjoy with people I enjoy...I finally decided I want to become either a family lawyer or a child advocacy lawyer, and am going to get back into the swing of things this fall when I start school again. Nicky's dad still doesn't pay child support or come around, but I've gotten over that and still bust my ass working 40 hours or more, six days a week. I think it'll make Nicky appreciate things a bit more when he gets older. Maybe not, but I'd like to hope so.
I used to think that life is like water--you try to grab it with your hands, but it just runs through your fingers, completely unaffected. It's frustrating, but you have to realize that life goes on, just like the water...You can either keep trying to grab at the water or just let it go. I kept my sense of humor and grabbed a fish tank--because you can't catch it with your hands, but you can with a container. That, my dears, is the secret. Life keeps going no matter how hard we try to control it, but you can adapt to it and make the most of it.
Huh. Maybe I should write a book about all this deep Zen-like wisdom. Call it Musings of Life Over McDonald's. Could be a bestseller.
[A big thanks/shoutout goes out to Nashe from Where Did All The Pecans Go? (http://yourcookiejar.blogspot.com) for inspiring me through her last entry. Thanks!]
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Firstly, it rained again today, for most of the day.
And secondly, I'm suffering from a bit of writer's block and I think I'll do a little "About Me" today, just to make myself a little more "real", if you get what I mean. More personal, I guess.
Me, In 9 Paragraphs Or Less:
I was born one month late, on December 17, 1985 (making me 23)--I'm always late for everything and I think it all began there--in Cleveland, Ohio. I am the oldest in my immediate family (I have a younger brother who is 17), but I have an older half-brother on my dad's side who is 37. He's married and has a 2 year old daughter--he is the assistant men's coach at the University of Washington. Yayyy!
My favorite food is macaroni and cheese, followed by tacos, nachos, and chocolate cake. I think I'm a bit boring because my favorite drink is whole milk. My favorite alcoholic beverage is a margarita, followed by a good 'Tini of some sort. Chocolate is my weakness, my Kryptonite. Double Stuf Oreos also fall into that category.
I was a Catholic schoolgirl all the way from St. Ignatius of Antioch Elementary to St. Joseph Academy, the latter being an all-girls college prep high school. I actually loved school, and was a good student (random fact about me: I learned to read when I was 3 and a half. I was told that I leaned over my dad's shoulder and read the headline of the newspaper. I then proceeded to tell him, in depth, about the article.), but I enjoyed having fun a bit more than academics. I could have gone to Columbia University, but I goofed off my senior year.
My favorite colors are hot pink, blue, red, and black. I love glitzy, glamorous things, but I rarely have the chance to wear anything like that. I love writing, and singing, and I once won 4th place in a writing competition in 8th grade. I hate musicals, but I adore comedies. I looove to laugh, and I try to find the humor in everything. I'm an incurable optimist, and I always believe that no matter how bad things are, there's always someone who is doing worse than you.
My favorite movie of all time is Aladdin, which is kind of funny if you think about it, but I just love that movie! I love all the Disney classics. I also love The Departed, Dodgeball, Wall-E, and Anchorman. Morgan Freeman is my favorite actor, and I don't really have a favorite actress, but I really like Anne Hathaway.
I always use the Oxford comma, and it bothers me when people don't use the correct punctuation when they write--I also get irritated by misspelled words and incorrect grammar (English was my best subject). I'm short, the shortest one in my family, coming up to a meager 5'1"--my brothers range from 6'0" to 6'3", while my dad is 6'4" and my mom is 5'3". There's just something not fair about that...Nicky is 3'5", so he's on his way to being taller than me too.
(My little brother CJ and me)
I'm unbelievably clumsy...I'll trip over nothing when I walk, and I'm insanely unathletic. I like to exercise, though, and I love Pilates, lifting weights, and running. I have a tendency to get a little lazy, and I'm not a regular runner, but I can run a mile in 11 minutes, which I like to pretend is impressive. I will treat myself with a high-calorie treat because 1.)I believe I shouldn't have to give up the things I love just to look good, and 2.)I bust my ass working out, thus deserving a treat.
I'm loud, I love to speak my mind and will stick up staunchly for my beliefs...I also love to be random and say the craziest shit. I also swear like a sailor, though I try (unsuccessfully) to watch what I say. I can't live without my iPod (hot pink) or my son. I'm half Cherokee-American (my dad is almost 100%), which makes me wonder why I never tan--although the rest of me is Irish, German, and Italian, which might explain why not.
My favorite sport is basketball, and my favorite team is the Cleveland Cavaliers. I love roller coasters, and I have ridden 16 of the 18 coasters at Cedar Point. I'm afraid of heights and squirrels freak me out a bit...I want to go to Sydney, Australia and see a freaking kangaroo.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
It's raining. Again. For the eleventy billionth time this summer.
You know what though? For all my bitching, I actually like rain. I think it's pretty, especially when everything's all green and fresh-looking, like the city had been put through the wash cycle with Tide with Bleach. I just like it a little better when we've had nothing but sunshine and warmth for at least a week.
I'm bored. Earlier I came up with the awesome idea of inventing my own drink. I want to call it The Desperado (you have to say it like there's italics automatically)...It just sounds cool. I have no idea what liquor I'd actually put in it, but I think with a name like The Desperado, it should taste badass, with a slight hint of danger and loneliness. It'd be a drink that Dirty Harry would drink. It'd be something Chuck Norris would order after kicking some ass. It'd be the epitome of awesomeness.
It should have its own aftershave.
Monday, July 20, 2009
"Lovesick Mistake", Erin McCarley (Love, Save the Empty)
"Brown Eyes", Lady Gaga (The Fame)
"Gravity", Sara Bareilles, (Little Voice)
"Folding Chair", Regina Spektor, (Far)
"The Show", Lenka, (Lenka)
"Navy Taxi", Kate Nash, (Foundations-EP)
"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room", John Mayer, (Continuum)
"Be OK", Ingrid Michaelson, (Be OK)
"That's The Way Love Goes", Janet Jackson, (Janet.)
"Upside Down", Jack Johnson, (Sing-a-Longs and Lullabies for the Film Curious George)
"Oxford Comma", Vampire Weekend, (Vampire Weekend)
"I Turn My Camera On", Spoon, (Gimme Fiction)
"Beat It", Michael Jackson, (Thriller)
"Yes Please", Muse, (Hullabaloo Soundtrack)
"I'm On A Boat", The Lonely Island, (Incredibad)
"Atlantic", Keane, (Under the Iron Sea)
"I Gotta Feeling", Black Eyed Peas, (The E.N.D.)
"Poker Face", Lady Gaga, (The Fame)
I could go on for ever, I love music that much, but I won't bore you with the full list. Feel free to share your top songs (I'm always open to one I haven't heard)!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Things I Enjoyed (And Didn't) And Miss From The '90s:
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Marky Mark (without him, there would be no Mark Wahlberg)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Clarissa Explains It All
New Kids on the Block
Ren and Stimpy
TRL (for those of you who may not know what that is, Total Request Live)
TLC (the group, not the channel)
Vanilla Ice (integral to the '90s)
Boyz II Men
Beavis and Butthead
Married With Children
Those bracelets you slapped on your wrists
Those Nike shoes you had to pump up (what the hell were those called? I remember wanting a pair and my mom saying no.)
The New Mickey Mouse Club (Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Keri Russell...)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Pinky and the Brain
Xena, Warrior Princess
If you're suddenly filled with memories of the '90s, please feel free to share.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My abdominal muscles are hurting.
I have a mild tension headache.
The day receptionist is a lazy fool.
I'm sitting across the hall from a guy I am slightly crazy about.
Said guy is an idiot.
It's hot outside.
Our air conditioner in the office isn't working, hence it is hot in here.
I'm super broke...Need a way to get some sweet moolah in my life.
I'm kind of tired.
The phones won't stop ringing.
I have two hours til I'm out of work.
I have to work ten hours tomorrow.
Things that don't suck as much:
I get out of work in two hours.
I smell really nice (Velvet Tuberose, courtesy of Bath and Body Works).
I have a great book waiting at home (Looking for Alaska, John Green--nothing beats a good reread).
I'm going out to eat after work tonight.
Nicky will be home waiting for me.
Tricia makes my day go by faster.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Well, maybe not EVER, but definitely for this year. Let me illustrate to you via word-agry (You like that? It's like imagery, only instead of pictures, you use words. I know, I know--I'm a F-ing genius...watch out Webster, you're not the only one with an endless supply of seemingly made up words.)...Okay, it's July 11, and it has reached 80 degrees like only six or seven times. That I'm not complaining about. I don't particularly enjoy sub-Saharan temperatures, thank you. No, my problem is the rain. I feel like freaking Noah, except without the ark (and don't get any ideas up there, Big Guy. I'm not handy, I'm not D.I.Y., and I prefer my wild animals to be behind safety enclosures...)...it's ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous.
I barely have the slightest hint of a golden glow--for me, that isn't too unusual. I'm pretty much pasty pale year-round, which is another post altogether, but by July I have a bit of a tan going on. This year? Nothing.
But I digress. It's stopped raining for now, and the sun is attempting to make a fashionably late appearance.
It's 1:39 pm and I have a double cheeseburger from McDonald's, which can only mean two things: 1.)I'm hungry, and 2.)It's bitchin' time. I'd like to call this Mid-Day Musings Over A Double Cheeseburger. Come, sit.
Okay. I don't like pickles and onions and mustard on my double cheeseburgers. I think those things are pretty gross as individuals (think Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh), but put them together and they are disgusting as a whole (the entire GOP). I just get ketchup (or catsup, if you're one of those weird people who spells ketchup as catsup), and if I'm in the mood or not on a diet (which I currently am, which I am sort of breaking at the moment), mayonnaise. Pretty uncomplicated. I'd like to think I'm an uncomplicated person.
Pretty easy, right? How hard could that be to screw up? Ketchup, and quite possibly mayo. It isn't rocket science. You don't need to go to MIT or write a treatise on the toppings of a burger. No. It's simplicity at its best, right? Wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrong. Those idiots put everything on my double cheeseburger. I didn't buy it; I'm at work and one of my car salesman amigos purchased it for me because I'm just so damn awesome. Perhaps he forgot to mention the only ketchup, perhaps they just screwed up. Anything is possible. However, instead of letting it ruin my already exhausting, waterlogged trainwreck of a day, I just took the top (in the burger business they call that the crown) off my dysfunctional cheeseburger and scraped it (including most of the cheese) all off. I ate it sans crown, because I'm pretty adaptable and mostly hungry and desperate.
I'm partially sated for now, which brings me to my next musing. I have to make a grand entrance at my best friend's son's 4th birthday party tonight. I'm pretty tired, and I'd love to take a nap, but alas, I am a good friend and am attending, albeit reluctantly, with my son Nicky in tow. It'll be a zoo, but I get off at 6, and the party starts at 3, which means by the time I get ready it'll be close to 7. Most of the toddling offenders should be gone by then. Let's all cross our fingers for Lashawn, okay?
I'd really appreciate it.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I work from 8 am to 6 pm on Fridays and Saturdays, and you'd think I'd be used to getting up at the asscrack of dawn, seeing as how I've been doing this for about a year and a half...But then again, I never got used to getting up at 6:30 am when I was in school, and that was 12 years worth of 6:30 ams. Oh well. I guess some people are crazy morning people who frolick about in the morning sunshine, singing Disney-esque songs as they skip all la-la-la like down the sidewalk with the sparrows, and then there are people like me, who pretty much live their lives like rock stars, staying up all night and then sleeping away a good chunk of daytime. I used to spend a huge amount of my summer vacations past passed out until 2 pm.
Those were the good days, my friend. I never realized how good I had it until I had to get a job my junior year of high school!
But back to now (as Garth Algar from the cinematic classic Wayne's World would say, "Live in the now!"), and the having to wake up at a very unreasonable hour. It is a very sunny and warm, dare I say hot, day in the city of Cleveland. It's supposed to reach a pleasant (note the sarcasm) and balmy 88 degrees...When I roll out of here later today, the air will be rife with mugginess, and I will be a walking pillar of sweat and frizz when I arrive at my equally sticky, un-air conditioned house.
And yuck. There's another fly in the office, flying around being all flyish and gross. I wish I could be gangsta like President Obama and just be like bam and kill it...but not with my hand, 'cause that would be gross, and I would most likely puke.
Puking is not a choice option, especially when it's hotter than hell outside. I opted instead for opening the office door, which will undoubtably bring hot air into the office, but hopefully will inspire the aforementioned fly to go out and enjoy the glorious day.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
There is a fly in my office, buzzing around and thinking disgusting fly thoughts...I have the window open, hoping he'll get the hint and roll the F out of here before he meets a size 8 flip-flop, but NOOOO, he's just grossing me out and occasionally landing on my head.
I get out of here in an hour, hallelujah, and then I'm off to a hard night of sitting on my bum and watching crappy network TV with my dad. Yes. I know you're jealous, I would be too. Usually some cake is involved, Pepperidge Farm by standard, but the flavor varies. Me and my dad love us some good cake.
As I'm currently rocking out to Duffy and writing this trivial drivel, I can't help but wonder who in their right mind would want to read about my boring life...but you never know, right? What may be boring to me may be an intriguing, compelling read for some. I'll just write, and hopefully someone will read and want more.
Here's to hoping.