Monday, September 21, 2009

In My Head

I am hungry.

How many of my posts have that general theme? That's sad. I need to learn to bring a snack with me to work.

But anyway. I am at work, and I am bored. Rumor has it that they laid off another service writer, and it's cloudy outside, with a looming threat of rain. It's 5:37 PM here in cloudy, muggy Cleveland, on the last day of summer. My day has been a slow one, and I'm kinda tired. Nicky's sick again. Again. Gahhh.

What to write about, what to write about...hmmm...Well, I'm hungry, and my mom is making homemade spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and that's pretty much all I'm thinking about right now. Hunger gives me a one-track mind, ha ha. I think I'll share with you the things that have gone through my mind quite randomly today.

A Random List:

*I am hungry.

*Wow. It's getting cloudy out there. I wonder if it's going to rain.

*I have to pee.

*Ugh. Why did I spend my dollar on a bottle of water? I could have gotten a donut from Dunkin' Donuts.

*No, you have one month to get into short shorts for your GaGa costume. Now is not the time for donuts. Willpower, woman!

*Hmm...Should I stay late tonight??? I am starving...

*No, I need to suck it up. Money is more important than food right now. I can stick it through for two extra hours.

*God, I am bored.

*What's on TV tonight? Maybe I'll just read after I eat...What books do I want to look at?

*I hope Nicky's cough is getting better.

*That's enough, John Mayer.

*Ugh, I don't know what Kim had for lunch, but our garbage can STINKS. I'm not feeling it.

*What the hell is chicken marsala? I hate chicken. Dude, the trash can stinks SO bad. Ugh.

*It's only 5:58? Shit...

And the list could go on til I clock out, but I won't bore you with the unnecessariousness of it all, so...I will continue to stare mindlessly at the clock at the corner of the screen and think about how hungry and bored I am.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fake Is The New Real

So. It seems as though I have lost a follower. Let me apologize to that person. I am sorry if I did not meet your expectations of a great blogger. I am sorry if I offended you in any way by the type of language I used, or the style of writing I have. I'm also sorry if I haven't visited your blog and commented on your witty or insightful posts. I'm pretty bad at sitting down and going through all the blogs. Hopefully you'll come back.

I missed Wednesday's questions. Let me get to those.

Do you karaoke?

I did it a few times when I was younger, like waaay back in grade school. I used to perform with my choir in high school and do vocal competitions (which I won). I haven't done anything public since high school, but I sing all the time--at home, at work when I'm alone in the office, etcetera.

A stranger in a bar offers you a life-changing sum of money if you will just slap your grandmother. Would you do it? Why/Why not?

Hell yes I would! I don't like my grandma too much.

Can I ask you a question? What is it with guys who think it's hot to leer at you from their car window as they drive by? It creeps me out, truth to be told. It's pretty unsettling to be walking down the street and glance up and see a random guy leering at you as he slowly drives down the street. Guys, take note. Not attractive.

Today looks as though it's going to be a dull, boring day. I go home early (1 pm) and will undoubtably spend the day in my sweats because I am A.) boring, B.) broke, C.) slightly tired, seeing as I loathe mornings, and D.) broke. Perhaps I'll go for a jog if I can motivate myself to get sweaty. Perhaps I'll take some artsy photographs if my mood so moves me. I don't know.

I'll leave you with a deep quote to ponder for the weekend! XO

"When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail.", Koonu the Surfing Instructor, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Friday, September 18, 2009

Acid Tongue

This has been a week of shit-tastic proportions.

So...Monday, they laid off two people at the dealership. Not in my department, but in Parts and Service. They also cut my hours down, and there is absolutely no overtime allowed. Gah. I hate money. I do. I never ever seem to have enough...I think I'm destined to live at home forever. Forever.

And then it gets even shittier. Nicky's dad, aka Douchebag Extraordinaire, is moving to Tennessee. His sister told me like two weeks ago, but I figured he was bluffing because I refuse to sign the papers to give up his parental rights--he owes me $3047.64 in back child support, and there is no way in hell that he's getting out of it that easily. In fact, I told him that in so many words when he called me in June to see how "the kid" was doing. My best friend drove past his house and saw one of his cars has Tennessee plates.

Stupid fucker.

Ohio is notoriously fucktastic when it comes to getting money from delinquent fathers. The Cuyahoga County CSEA claimed they couldn't find him for over three years. My best friend found his house on two occasions: once while driving her minivan of dreams and eating an Arby's sandwich and actually driving past the house, and twice, when our sluthy duo looked him up on the voter registration site (it's a good thing I talked him into registering to vote, ha ha). It was simple. I didn't even have access to all the crafty and expensive stuff that the CSEA supposedly uses to track these deadbeat dirtbags down. Call me Nancy Drew.

But anyway, I looked up the Ohio rules on interstate child support cases and was kind of pissed. Like the Hulk about to bust out of his clothes in a verdant rage pissed. You need to know the address of the "non-custodial parent" (which I don't) in order to start the collections process. They have his current address but have done nothing really constructive. I know he works under the goddamn table so that they can't take his money. I know he works because my best friend saw a 62-inch flat screen TV in his living room. (Grrr...) But anyway. If you lack the address (which I do), it takes about 3-6 months to get it (which translates to "we'll take your name and just throw it in a pile of unimportant papers somewhere"). Once they get the address or whatever, it takes 9-12 months or MORE to establish the interstate support order.

Seriously. That is ridiculous. He only has to pay $132 a month as it is. Here's an idea: instead of skipping out on your responsiblities, why not just pay the damn money and man up???? I guess that's not an option, so Douchebag McGee, his bitch-tacular wife, and their trashy kids are just gonna run off and live with her daddy in Tennessee and figure that I'll never find them and that they won. Oh my god, I am just soooo frustrated. Like this is a neverending nightmare and really, all I want is Nicky's money. I think we're owed at least that.

And I know if the situation was reversed, the dirty bastard would be trying to squeeze me for every penny I have. That's the fucked up part. Grrr.

Sorry for the vent...I know I'm not my usual sunshiny self, but I am just a bit stressed out now. I'll answer those questions tomorrow and grace you guys with a nugget of Chuck Norris wisdom.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mediocre Bad Guys

Hmm. Interesting title for today's post.

Today I'm going to blog about all the mediocre bad guys that impact me on a daily basis. I may have interacted with bad guy once and never seen him again. It may be a repeat offender.

Okay. My biggest mediocre bad guy would be the crazy guy who craps in the bus stop almost weekly. It's like oh my god, dude, are you serious??? I can't figure that guy out, nor do I really want to.

Then there's the guys at Dunkin' Donuts who take waay too long to get my order together. I really don't want to hear your undoubtably engaging and entertaining story about how you forgot to turn your Chem homework in. I just want my vanilla chai so I can go suffer five hours at work. Ditto to the guys at various fast food establishments who screw up my seemingly simple order of a cheeseburger with ketchup only. Or forget my ranch for my fries. Bastards.

I also have to mention the people on the bus who feel the need to give their purse or backpack its own seat. Dude, the bus is crowded and probably most likely late. I don't think your carry-on accessory will mind if it has to sit in your lap. Kudos to the people who seem to think they have to lounge across two seats. Does that really seem necessary? It's a bus, not a Laz-E-Boy. Sit the fuck up.

There's the people who feel the need to get gangster with me on the phone at work. I know you feel hardcore because the odds of seeing me are pretty slim, but you're on the phone getting smart with a receptionist. How gangster can you actually be, homes?

And I can't forget my fellow parents at Head Start. What a bunch of idiots. How does it make any sense to bring your sick child to school when they have a fever? I don't care if they want to go to school or not. Have you heard of the swine flu? Ugh. I had to keep Nicky home today because he got sick from another kid who had stupid parents.

I'd like to dedicate this post to all the mediocre idiots who unseemingly conspire to make my day hell. Keep up the good work. I tip my hat to you.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Extraordinary Machine

Ooookay. It's our first trial run of "You Ask Me Anything" Wednesday. I have a few questions, and I will do my best to answer them.

How did you decide what to name your son and what would have been his name if he were a girl?

This is actually a pretty decent story! Okay, if Nicky had been a girl, I loved the name Kiera Rose. But, as it was, I found out I was having a boy, so...His dad wanted to name him after himself, which I quickly shot down because A.) He has a stupid name, B.) I didn't want to name him after him just in case we broke up, and C.) I was right about both down the road, so D.) I win.

This is roughly the conversation:

Douchebag McGee: I want to name him Teddie Jr.
Me: No.
DBMG: Why not?
Me: No offense, but you have a pretty stupid name. Just Teddie, not Theodore or whatever. Just Teddie. Not even a middle name--
DBMG: We could call him Junie--
Me: No way, dude. I want my son to have a name that sounds good no matter what he grows up to be. Your name is really all a person has.
DBMG: ...
Me: So...What do you think of Alexander?
DBMG: No. I don't like it.
Me: Why not?
DBMG: I just don't.
Me: Whatever.
(Me thinking in frustration)
Me: Justin.
Me: Joshua.
Me: Joseph.
Me: Seriously? Jesus...Christopher.
DBMG: I like Christopher.
Me: Good. Hmm...Okay. Brian?
Me: James.
Me: Nicholas.
DBMG: I like that.

So, he had no idea that I named his son after Nick Carter (from the Backstreet Boys) and Chris Kirkpatrick (of 'Nsync). I just ran through all the boy bands until he agreed on something.

Thus...Nicholas Christopher.

What would your dream job be?

I have always wanted to be a singer. Ever since I was a little girl!

What is your favorite memory?

I have so many! I have Disney World with my four besties my junior year at St. Joe's...Having Nicky...just random little memories that add up to awesome experiences I'll always remember.

I'm gonna have to think about that one and get back to you later.

If you were a candy bar, which one would you be?

I would be a Reese's cup. I'm a mix of so many things (Cherokee, African-American, German, Irish, Italian) that I'm like the best of both worlds, just like a Reese's cup. Chocolate and peanut butter. And, it tastes soooo good.

Or I'd be a Milky Way. I looove caramel.

If you got run over by two asians on a tandum, what would your reaction be?

I would be stunned, then angered, and then I'd laugh because, shit, it's two Asians on a tandum bike. Just something about that idea is funny.

I'd also probably yell at the Asians, and then dust myself off and amble away in bewilderment.

One could only be bewildered after an experience like that.

Thanks to everyone who gave me questions, and I'd also like a lot more questions for next week's installment!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Banana Pancakes

I could really go for some pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon right now. Oh my Lord, I really could...A huge pile of pancakes with a big dollop of butter on top (and between each pancake layer--that is the ONLY way to put butter on your pancakes) and smothered in maple syrup. Oh, yum. Yumyumyumyum.

Can you tell I didn't pack an adequate lunch today? I grabbed a yogurt and a juice box of Juicy Juice (courtesy of Nicky) on my way out the door. I was also late, if you wondering.

Ah, story of my life.

But anyway. I know you're all dying (well, maybe not dying, but pretty excited) to know how Nicky's first day of school went. It was great. He loved it! And in other news, no, I did not cry. Sorry. (Ha, ha Nashe^!) My mom took him today and said he didn't want to leave. He's already made friends, which takes care of the irrational fear that my son would be a friendless loser. I'm glad he likes it, I mean I figured it was a good sign when I came upstairs and he was by the play kitchen in a hard hat holding a whisk. He also served me tea in a Cheer detergent bottle cap, which in real life undoubtably would have killed me, but in pretend Head Start world, people drink tea out of laundry soap caps and trounce about their kitchens in hard hats.

Whatever works for him.

On a slightly related note, all this talk about school and Nicky and learning got me to thinking about college. I hounded my mom to find my tax return from this year and I went online and filled out my FAFSA. I'm eligible for a Pell Grant (yay!), which means I can get up to $5350 for school for a year or whatever. I was psyched. I'm going to start classes at the crazy community college in Downtown Cleveland (read: deep in the heart of the Cleveland ghetto, across the street from the projects), for like either a year or however long it takes to get a GPA high enough to kiss Case Western's ass and get in. It's gonna be an adventure, my blogging buddies. An urban adventure. I promise to write all about it when I start in January.

Hmm... so the questions I got so far are interesting (and in Juan's case, insanely humorous), and I can't wait to answer them on Wednesday. Keep 'em coming! You ask it, I'll answer it. And I promise to bring Chuck Norris Thursday back--it's just been a bit hectic in the crazy life of Lashawn, but once things slow down and get sort of settled, my entries will be more regular and more in the realm of hilarium. (I don't know if that's a word, but I love it. I use it all the time.)

So...To recap. I'm hungry. I have a dollar left until pay day. I get out of work at 6. I want pancakes and eggs and bacon. Rod Stewart is on the soft rock/easy listening station that I'm listening to. I'm bored. I'm hungry. Nicky likes school. I'm going back to school. Juan Pablo was run over by a pair of Asians on a tandem bicycle. (I always wanted one of those. I don't know why. I'm too clumsy for a single rider bicycle. Eh. It makes me think of Doublemint gum.) And I want more questions to answer for Wednesday.

Sounds fab.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

You and I

Hey kids.

What to talk about, what to talk about...Okay. My son starts Head Start tomorrow. I'm okay with it now, though a lot of people are warning me I'm going to get all teary. I don't really think I will, seeing as I work all freaking day anyway and I'm used to being away from him. I promise I'll post pics ASAP!

How are things on the diet front? Hmm...pretty good. I have been working out all week, and have been watching what I eat, with the exception of some kickass tiramisu I had on Sunday. Dude, it was delicious. Changed my life for just a few moments.

I have a new idea...Let's make this "You Ask Me Anything" Wednesdays from now on. You send me some questions in your comments and I will answer them on Wednesday. They can be crazy questions, deep questions, anything! I will answer them, guaranteed. It's a fun way to get to know everyone and well, naturally ME.