Airplanes

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?  I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."--"Airplanes", B.O.B. with Hayley Williams

Clarity is a bitch.

Sorry.  I had a rough day.  I worked eleven hours, work was super busy, I got nothing done, and I am tired.  I found out that my friend with benefits (who I wrestle feelings for off and on) is maybe seeing someone.  Probably seeing someone.  And how did I find out?  Did he tell me?  No.  So how did I find out, you ask?  Oh...She got her car serviced at the dealership today.  And she called him right in front of me, and she sounded like they were more than just friends.  And he came up front and went outside with her, and just somehow that really sucked.

Like really, really sucked.  And it shouldn't have, but shit...it did.  And I was hurt for a moment, then it went away like nothing.  But I kept thinking about it.  And it bugged me.

Gah...why does life have to be so complicated?  I'm sort of hurt, a little pissed at myself because I shouldn't be hurt at all...He's not my boyfriend, but this is all so complicated.  We have been messing around, off and on, for two years and I started out liking him, he liked me...and then we started seeing each other and then life got all stupid and something just happened between us and now we are what we are.  And now I am where I am.  I am hurt and pissed at myself and just trying to evaluate things, because he's a good friend of mine and he's there when I want him to be, and I don't want to lose that.  And the sex is pretty good too.

Stupid sex.  Sex always ruins things.  And damn him and his stupid mixed messages and actions.  Damn me for falling for him and then trying to fall out of whatever this is with him.  Damn me for being an idiot.  Damn me for letting this get so far.  Damn this for getting all tangled up and complicated.  Damn me for letting this make me kind of sad.  Damndamndamndamndamndamndamn.

And why, oh why, do I freeze up at the thought of telling him how I feel?  Goddamn it.  I hate boys and I hate romance and the stupid complexities of it that I just can't seem to grasp.

So, I could really use a wish right now.  Or some good vodka.  Or a good trip away from my head.